Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Go See "Transformers 2"

"Transformers 2" is a horrible movie... but you already know that.

So, why should you go see it?

If your idea of escapism is heavy-handed allusions to September 11th, go see it.
If you do not mind Blacks invariably being portrayed as bucktoothed illiterates, go see it.
If your idea of a punchline is two dogs repeatedly fucking, go see it.
If you believe that women should be nothing more than sweaty, cross-eyed porn stars, go see it.
If you think asking for a plot line that explains why one scene follows another is pretentious, go see it.
If you think knowing who is fighting whom in an action sequence is irrelevant, go see it.
If you do not care that a movie marketed to children is filled with words like "shit," "fuck" and "pussy," go see it.
If you enjoy a film that seemingly took less time to think up than it does for you to watch it, go see it.
If you want to stand up and proudly proclaim that "I have no problem with being sold a regressive, half-assed product that treats me like a mindless cash source who cannot be offended by even the most cynical, bold-faced marketing ploys," then what are you waiting for? Go see it!

Go do the United States of America proud and fork over your hard earned money so you can be violently rid of whatever brains you have left!

Congratulations on finding the perfect movie for yourself. All of your lowbrow, bigoted, money-wasting and generally lazy sensibilities will be satisfied. Most importantly of all, you will be setting a great precedent for America's children. Transformers, after all, is a toy franchise (the kids are where the real money is at), so the movie's success benefits them, too!

Step up and tell Paramount Pictures that we will not merely submit to their attempt to mug us and our children alone; we will do it by the millions!

Go see "Transformers 2!"

1 comment:

Josh said...

you forgot about the repeated mention of testicles. but I forgive you.